Real Estate News Radio with Rowena Patton

Attachment Styles: How They Shape Your Real Estate Decisions

• Rowena Patton

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Wondering why your relationships—and real estate decisions—follow predictable patterns? This eye-opening conversation between Rowena Patton and attachment expert Chris Evensen reveals how your attachment style (secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) fundamentally shapes your biggest life choices.

The statistics are shocking: secure attachment has plummeted from 75% in the 1950s to just 40% today. This decline creates ripple effects not only in our personal relationships but directly impacts our approach to buying and selling property. Evensen breaks down each attachment style with remarkable clarity, explaining how anxious types (who trust everyone but themselves) and avoidants (who trust only themselves) navigate differently through both emotional and financial commitments.

For real estate decisions specifically, these patterns manifest in profound ways. Anxious types might rush into purchases seeking validation, while avoidants might suddenly abandon transactions when commitment feels too threatening. As Evensen bluntly states, "You cannot rely on a dismissive avoidant for anything"—a critical insight when making major financial decisions together.

Beyond theory, this episode offers practical strategies for recognizing and improving your attachment style. The good news? With awareness and targeted action, you can shift your patterns in as little as 3-6 months - IF you are prepared to put in the work. Whether you're navigating a relationship, considering a real estate purchase, or wondering why previous partnerships dissolved, understanding these fundamental psychological patterns provides powerful tools for better outcomes.

Ready to transform your approach to both relationships and real estate? Listen now and discover which attachment style drives your decisions—and how to create healthier patterns for lasting success in love and property.

Speaker 1:

This is the Plain English Real Estate Show with your host, rowena Patton, a show that focuses on the real estate market in terms you can easily understand. Call Rowena now. The number is 240-9962 or 1-800-570-9962. Now here's the English girl in the mountains, the agent that I would trust, rowena Patton.

Speaker 2:

Hey, sean Hannity here talking with the only real estate agent in your market. I recommend Rowena Patton with All Star Powerhouse. Now more than ever, buyers and sellers need an expert to navigate this ever-changing market. And what do you do to stand out?

Speaker 3:

Thanks for asking, sean. Just like you inform listeners on the Hannity Show, my job is to make sure homeowners have the facts they need to make the best decisions. At the end of the day, they want to know two things how I can sell the home faster and for more money. But what many don't realize is just how stressful the process can be. Over a third of homes fall out of contract, almost always due to inspection and appraisal issues. Sean, that's why I created the Certified Pre-Owned or CPO, homes Program in 2007.

Speaker 3:

With CPO, we take control up front, cutting contract fallout to just 7%. When a home falls out of contract, it can become stigmatized, often leading to price drops, but with a CPO, home buyers and agents go in with full transparency fewer negotiations, more showings and a smoother sale. I've trained agents nationwide on this, written a best-selling book about it and I love helping sellers in Asheville, hendersonville and Waynesville sell faster, with less stress and for top dollars. And, sean, for sellers who want to skip the showings and hassle, we offer a CPO full market value cash offer, whether traditional or cash. We help homeowners get sold the smart way and, what's more, I've trained agents nationwide to help you in this. So just reach out and we can find you a top agent that's trained to sell this way. I've helped over 3,500 families locally with their moves, so something's working right.

Speaker 2:

Call Rowena Patton right now at 828-333-4483 or online at mountainhomehuntcom.

Speaker 3:

Hey, it's Rowena Patton here on the Real Estate News Radio Show. I am so excited. Today I've got a very special guest and, gosh, I've known this guy for a glass of red wine ago and Austin get togethers ago and at least 10 years. This is Chris Evanson, who's a real estate firm owner in Naples, and he's also an expert in attachment styles. Hello, everyone.

Speaker 4:

How are you, Rowena? It's great to see you again.

Speaker 3:

We're going to have so much fun today. Why the heck are we talking about attachment styles? Give a two-minute overview of what the heck attachment styles are. A lot of our listeners have heard about them, obviously, but you know, just give us a little taster in there.

Speaker 4:

Well, attachment styles are based on. Everyone has an attachment style. There's four different attachment styles secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. Everyone has an attachment style and it will affect the way you make your decisions on a day-to-day basis. 85% of your subconscious is formed by the time you're five years old. The way you attach to your mother, in particular, is very, very important. If there is some form of broken attachment during that five-year span that causes a child to either become anxious or avoidant, um, they will develop that attachment style as of the age of, as of the age of 25. They'll continue on. That'll be their decisions and relationships. The rest of their life. They will use that style to make those decisions well, that's a little scary, isn't it?

Speaker 3:

can you get better, chris?

Speaker 4:

yes, you can change your attachment style. Unfortunately, the great man upstairs has a sick sense of humor, as I say the only way you can do so is within relationship.

Speaker 3:

Oh Lordy. Okay then. Well, why the heck are we talking about this today on the Real Estate News Radio Show? This is about real estate. How do the two things go together, chris?

Speaker 4:

Your attachment style can dictate some things and, specifically for your partner, if you're in a relationship with a specific type of attachment style person and if they are insecure, they can change the decisions, they can influence the decisions in a direction that you may or may not want it to go into, and we're going to have that conversation today, got it.

Speaker 3:

And, of course, in real estate we deal with a lot of breakups, a lot of divorces, a lot of relocations, and obviously the attachment styles come into play when those things are passing us by. Oh my gosh, this is a fascinating one. If you haven't already, you better put some whiskey in your coffee for this one. Waking up on a morning, maybe you're listening to the podcast, so get comfy and grab a cup of coffee and snuggle up and let's go. Are they going to need some tissues or anything?

Speaker 4:

Chris, no they won't need any tissues, okay.

Speaker 3:

Do they need to get someone to give them a hug or make them feel better after this?

Speaker 4:

How should we prepare to listen to you for this? Well, if they're an anxious, they're probably going to want a hug. If they're an avoidant, they probably don't want a hug. So we're going to get into the different types of styles that we have that are out there the four different styles and how they operate using their attachment style.

Speaker 3:

One day we'll get secure enough that we can actually do it on the show and I could say to you what do you think? I am Chris, but I don't know if I'm there today. So maybe I'm an anxious or maybe I'm a secure and it would be OK, we'll see. So it's going to be so fun. We're diving into this topic and it affects so many of us our relationships, marriage, divorce, business partnerships, what we do in our real estate, understanding how we attach to others I mean it plays a huge role in our success and happiness and can definitely impact your real estate decisions. So, oh my gosh, all right, chris, can we go into what are these main four styles? Let's just look at the styles first and then we'll dig into each one after we understand what the different styles are or get a good idea about what the different styles are.

Speaker 4:

There's four different styles. The first we'll cover is secure. It represents about 40% of our population. That has shrank from 50% over the last about 15 years. Yikes, back in the 1950s they were estimating they were about 75 percent secure. So we've seen a drastic increase over the last 75 years, specifically in the last 15 years, of more and more insecure styles, as I share with people. To simplify it, it's like a snowball rolling down the hill and it just keeps getting bigger. This is a epidemic happening in our country and it's affecting people's lives, health, emotional well-being and it's also affecting their decisions when they're purchasing real estate.

Speaker 3:

I really don't like it at all, but I love that statistic and, interestingly, I don't know whether we'll use the video or not and put it on YouTube for this, but you might want to watch it because you'll see the silliest faces coming out of me, because you gave that statistic of 75% in the 1950s and my mouth dropped open. That is not a pretty sight, but you're dying to see the shock and horror on my face when you gave that statistic. So we've gone from 75% to 40%. No wonder you're saying it's an epidemic, especially and people will understand that as we go through the different styles, I am dying to get into that one. And then we go to the anxious, preoccupied. Tell us a little bit about that one.

Speaker 4:

Anxious, preoccupied. They're the pullers in the relationship. They're the ones that feel very needy. The key component to an anxious preoccupied is they trust everyone but themselves. They're always seeking validation. They're looking for validation from their partner that they are okay. They're not capable of self-regulation. They need others to regulate them, their emotions, for them. They can be very nervous, anxious that's why they're called anxious. They're also the ones that will, when there's a dispute within a relationship, will become very needy and try to pull you closer to them and, depending upon who their partner is, that may affect their partner in great ways and we're going to cover some of that based on each attachment style.

Speaker 4:

Anxious can be very nervous. They seem very nervous. They can get very angry when things are not going well within the relationship. They're the ones that are the stalkers, so they'll follow you home after a breakup. They'll follow you to work. They'll stalk you on social media, things of that nature right out of the gate. When there is a dispute within a relationship, they want to deal with it now and right, this very second. And that is the cleanest definition, simplest definition for people to understand.

Speaker 3:

Have you ever had a stalker, Chris?

Speaker 4:

Yes, actually I have. I've been married to an anxious preoccupied. I've dated a fearful avoidant. I've dated a dismissive avoidant, so I've had experience with all three. The anxious preoccupied became insecure when she was in a relationship with me. So did the fearful avoidant, because that's part of how you transition you have to be in relationship with someone and then you have to do the work to get there Because I'm insecure. I'm insecure with anxious tendencies. I'm what they call a made secure. My bonding with my mother when I was a child was not the greatest, but I lived with my grandparents from age five to 25. And she became my adopted mother and they were very secure people. So I wound up coming out as a secure with anxious tendencies. The only time my anxious side comes out is when I'm in a dispute, in a relationship dispute. Otherwise, I'm very secure. One of my mates will traditionally, if I don't do anything silly, will become secure along with me, as long as I'm aware of who they are.

Speaker 3:

Well, thank you for being so humble and sharing there, like your vulnerableness, particularly because it helps us understand what you're talking about in that. And obviously I'm guessing at least and I'm not talking about your personal relationships, because I wouldn't go there. However, I'm guessing that if you've got the anxious preoccupied in a relationship, often the dismissive avoidance are attracted to those people because you know Very good.

Speaker 4:

They're like magnets to each other.

Speaker 3:

Yes, and then when the avoidance is in the honeymoon phase, it's all wonderful. Am I guessing that the dismissive avoidance are the love bombers? Is that what we call them, the ones who are-.

Speaker 4:

Oh, they're both love bombers, and everybody with an insecure attachment can be a love bomber. They do it a little bit differently. An anxious, preoccupied will do it the day you meet them and they start loving on, love bombing on you within a week, and an avoidant will usually take somewhere between 30 and 60 days. They kind of ease their way into their relationship. They want to make sure that this is something they're interested in, because they have the shortest attention span of all these styles that there are. Once they feel that they're comfortable and they like that person, then their love bombing starts. Their love bombing is the most intense of the bunch and they will love all of you. As I say, they write a love story and they live it until they reach a certain point and that's when the honeymoon stage is over.

Speaker 3:

And then the anxious preoccupied gets all needy, which pushes them away even more, and it's the end of the relationship.

Speaker 4:

All of your insecure attachment styles have what we call a trigger or a major fear. The major fear of an anxious, preoccupied is abandonment. The major fear of an avoidant is loss of independence and showing vulnerability. They don't feel comfortable. A simple way to define the difference between the two an anxious, preoccupied trusts everyone but themselves. An avoidant trusts themselves only and do not trust anyone else. Avoid and trust themselves only and do not trust anyone else.

Speaker 4:

Then you have the disorganized. The disorganized has both inside of them. Think of it this way you have 40% secures on the planet right now, about 30% avoidance, 25% anxious and 5% disorganized. So the disorganized are a very rare breed. When you do come across one, they're very confusing. They're the hardest ones to have a relationship with because one day they're pulling you closer. They're pulling you closer. As soon as you start responding to that, now they're avoiding, kicks in and they start pushing you away and pushing you away. So you go through this emotional rollercoaster with this disorganized, where you're going back and forth all the time and you're always struggling as their partner to find the balance in that yeah, I'm just never going to date again let me take a second and say something.

Speaker 4:

And people are not bad people. They have a condition that they pre-program their brain with from age zero to 25. Usually between zero and five is the most of it. Your subconscious is 85% formed by the time you're five years old. That subconscious is built on experiences. You create triggers, or coping mechanisms. You know, I've talked about this in the past with the disc. Those coping mechanisms look something like this If then? Then that If this happens, subconsciously, your mind tells you to do that. You're not aware that those things are taking place. You're now 30 years old. You're in the dating world. Something triggers you. You automatically run for the doors using an avoidance. They're not aware they're doing that. They think that is normal. That is their normal perceptions, reality, they don't understand.

Speaker 3:

I know a student in his 50s that continually says why do I keep blowing up my relationships and his relationships last three years or less and he's in his 50s.

Speaker 4:

That's a sign of an avoidant. I do some relationship counseling. I've obtained several recent people approach me about it. Of the eight people that came to me, six of them are avoidants because they're out there. Something I've learned through study and also personal experience in talking to these people sometime between age 40 and age 50, the dismissive avoidant in particular starts feeling very, very lonely and they start looking in the mirror. They start reminiscing and they get very nostalgic about their past relationships and they start to realize the mirror. They start reminiscing and get very nostalgic about their past relationships and they start to realize you know what, maybe it wasn't them. And the story's always the same. When I talk to a DA, they always blame their partner. They usually have multiples.

Speaker 4:

The gentleman I'm referring to is 46 years old. He runs a $600 million conglomeration. God bless him. But his relationship life has been a complete disaster. He's had 12 relationships by the time he's 46 years old. It lasted a year or more and all of them ended within two years. All of them he blamed his partner for that relationship ending. And now he's waking up at 46 years old realizing he's very alone, feeling very lonely, and he started to look in the mirror. As far as maybe it wasn't them, maybe I have something to do with it and that's how he got referred to me common denominator that's usually what it is it's self-awareness, right and self-awareness.

Speaker 3:

Obviously self-awareness doesn't cure you, but self-awareness gets you on the exit ramp from this highway of just blotto zone of doing what your caveman or cavewoman brain is telling you. It's at least getting you off the exit ramp to say wait, something's going on here. And I'm aware that maybe the string of relationships, or maybe the fact I'm not in one, or maybe the fact I'm feeling lonely, maybe it's not all about everybody else I've dated for the last 10, 20, 30, 40 years.

Speaker 4:

It takes some time, you know. They have to have some history to look back on to realize when you're in your 20s and you're dating, you're not thinking about it, you're just going through the motions. Now you reach your 40s and 50s and you start looking backwards and being nostalgic, looking at the relationships, thinking about what some of the wonderful people you've dated why didn't that work out? And they start coming to the realization because they have so many of them that wait a minute, maybe it was me and they look in the mirror and they start seeking answers. And it's loneliness that causes that to occur.

Speaker 3:

And they're getting grandkids right. So all their friends are getting grandkids and they don't have grandkids. I'm thinking about the people I know in those situations. They're starting to think I don't want to die alone.

Speaker 4:

Correct and those are the type of thoughts that start taking place, specifically the avoidant. They're the ones that usually, later on in life, end up alone and they don't find a mate. All avoidants are fearful and they don't find a mate. All avoidance you're fearful and you're dismissive. Fearfuls, in particular, are known for severe loneliness and ending their lives on being on their own, and it's very sad.

Speaker 3:

And there you're talking about a fearful avoidant and it's all about if I let you in, I'm going to be consumed and manipulated and everything else that fits very well and sadly, I mean I hate to think of this person being and everything else that fits very well and sadly, I mean I hate to think of this person being alone for the rest of their lives. That's so sad. Let's shift over to where we want to get, to Secure attachment styles. We put some scripts together, chris and I, around what people actually say. What does this look like? So that you at home listening or in the car, start giggling to yourself in the car as you're listening to these as we go through them.

Speaker 3:

A secure attachment, which, sadly, is a much smaller proportion than it used to be in the 50s, at 75 percent um, I would hesitate to wonder if it's even 40 percent these days, but a secure attachment style like a healthy balance. This is somebody who's comfortable with intimacy and autonomy, communicates openly, resolves conflicts healthily. What do these statements look like? I love spending time with you, but I also enjoy my own space. Let's talk through this issue and find a solution together. I trust you completely and I don't need constant reassurance, and the red flags they're going to avoid are extreme jealousy, avoidant behaviors or emotional outbursts.

Speaker 4:

Right, and those three descriptors you just gave are the descriptors of three different insecure styles. Secures are balanced. We call them the boring people in relationship. They don't get overly emotional, they're not love bombers, but they're going to love on you, they're going to care about you, they're going to show affection, they're going to do those things, but they're not going to love bomb you. They also usually don't participate in arguments too long. Will they jump in the arena because they love you? Yes, they will. When it starts to get really heated you know five, ten minutes to it they're going to check out. This isn't healthy. They're going to want to disengage from that argument and take some space. So the descriptors you gave are the descriptors of the three other insecure styles, and secures usually try to avoid those things.

Speaker 4:

The challenge in today's dating world and relationship world is they're very hard to avoid. They're everywhere, especially as you get older. Right now, 60% of our population has an insecure style. The one thing that's very clear about secures most of them get into a loving, deep relationship at a young age and they stay there. I mean, we talked about you and I've talked about highly successful people and some of their traits, one of the key traits to a highly successful person is they're usually in at least prior to 20 years ago, they were in deep, long, lasting relationships. They take that issue off the table. It's no longer an issue. They can go focus on building their wealth, building their family and doing the things they feel they need to do. So as you get older, there's less and less secures available on the market and more and more insecures on the market. So if you're over 40 and in the dating world, you're going to come across these people.

Speaker 4:

I want to start out by saying they're very good people. I want to start out saying they're very good people. They're not bad people. They just have a condition that causes them not to have successful relationships. People. They just have a condition that causes them not to have successful relationships. No-transcript. If you're dating in a insecure attachment style whether it be an anxious or an avoidance if they're aware of what they are and they're willing to take action, I would recommend working with them and helping them become a secure. These people need help. Yeah, and they're good people. They want to do the right things.

Speaker 4:

They have just pre-programmed their brain at a very early age to have these protective mechanisms and they don't control them. It's all happening from your subconscious. Most people don't realize 85% of the decisions you make every day you make without any awareness. 95% of your brain is subconscious and you're only conscious of 5% of what your brain does. Once you reach 25 years of age, you've programmed your brain to make decisions for you. That's where this if this, then that comes into play. If this happens, then do that. It all happens automatically.

Speaker 4:

Unfortunately for the insecure attachment styles, they've done something detrimental to them and in some cases it caused health issues using the avoidant. They don't process hormones correctly. Part of the challenge of being an avoidant is that they're more prone to brain disease, alzheimer's, parkinson's, things of that nature. An avoidant lives an average of seven years less than a secure human being, and part of that is because they're operating only on cortisol. They run in a very high stress level environment. They do not process oxytocin, receive oxytocin correctly.

Speaker 4:

I'm getting very technical, but GABA is produced from oxytocin. Oxytocin is your love hormone. Your happy drug is dopamine. That is something that the avoidant in particular can create a lot of. The problem is that's what they live off of. That's how they regulate their cortisol. Dopamine is not designed to regulate your cortisol. It's GABA it is. The problem is, if you don't receive oxytocin correctly, you don't produce GABA enough. Your oxytocin levels, your stress hormone gets out of whack and the only way they can tamper it down is by creating dopamine. That's the main reason why avoidants swing from relationship to relationship. They get into a relationship. They're receiving their dopamine when the honeymoon stage ends. Now you're switching to oxytocin. You're getting into the intimacy stage and also what we call the power struggle stage of a relationship. They fear intimacy at the highest level because now I have to trust someone else. What's the key component to an avoidant? They don't trust anyone but themselves, so that causes them stress and pain.

Speaker 3:

I was also reading about more likely to have addictive personalities.

Speaker 4:

Yes, they are.

Speaker 3:

Drink alcohol, take drugs, that kind of.

Speaker 4:

They are addicts. They're addicted to dopamine because dopamine you can only produce it for short stints and then you have to move on from somebody to start producing that again. Because when you're with somebody for an extended period of time, you switch from being happy with them to being in love with them. The problem is you no longer produce dopamine anymore. When you're in love, you produce oxytocin. Well, they don't receive oxytocin correctly. So now they feel something is wrong. And their natural instinct because they trust themselves and nobody else is to blame their partner.

Speaker 3:

We're blaming it on the hormones. Is that what we're doing?

Speaker 4:

Not exactly. It's the way they produce hormones and the way they process them. I don't want to get too scientific here, but yes, part of it is hormonal and because they're not producing and processing hormones correctly, it causes health issues for them Heart attacks. Whenever your cortisol levels go high, that's your stress hormone. You're going to have high stress. What does stress do to your body? Not good things, Very bad things. For men, it usually attacks your heart. For women, it attacks your brain. So it's two different things that are going on there.

Speaker 3:

So the topic we're talking about today, which feels a bit warm and fuzzy, it's really not about the warm and fuzzy. It it's about the core, basic thing that we need to look at what's going on in our lives, whether we have partners or not, our friends and family, how we're talking to them, how we're reacting to them, like where are we fitting and how can we change that. And you're never too old. You could be 18 years old and change your relationship with somebody based on this and have a better self-awareness about yourself. And you could be 18 years old and change your relationship with somebody based on this and have a better self-awareness about yourself. And you could be a hundred years old and maybe add, you know, a couple of years to your life.

Speaker 4:

You really can.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and when? When you're in your thirties or forties, why would you want to live your life this way? I have a friend right now actually, that um clearly is with an avoidant and he he slammed something and, you know, pounded down and she's like I think we're at the end of our rope and they're married. And he saw her through a divorce. It was all really wonderful and nice and lovely. And now they're probably going to get a divorce and I'm thinking this guy won't even go to therapy. Like where is he in his self-awareness that he won't go to therapy? Why would you be in a marriage and put all that energy into any kind of partnership? If I were good friends with the person next door, am I just going to toss it aside and let it go because there's some kind of conflict that's come up, or am I going to take time and work on it? But isn't that the mature self-awareness piece? I've got my issues. I've never been the perfect partner, I know I've got all kinds of stuff.

Speaker 4:

Guilty as charged. None of us are perfect.

Speaker 3:

I've definitely. I'm sure I've got some of the anxious in there. I've got things going on that came from there. But I'm very self-aware and I'm always willing to work on it and I always want to understand more. And I know that if I got to a point in my relationship any kind of relationship, but particularly the person that I love and care about I would sit down and go to therapy like that is black and white for me. Why, Okay, I can hear some of the guys go oh, I don't want a therapist telling me what to do.

Speaker 3:

I know what's wrong in this relationship, but why would you not turn that stone and spend a second, you know, or an hour out of your life once a week for 12 weeks to figure that out? Why won't you do that before you get married, by the way? Go and see your pastor or go to therapy. Go through a course, you know. If you're faithful, go see your pastor. They often run courses for this. But go find out that stuff Like who are you? Are you anxious? What's your tendencies? Do go find out that stuff like who are you? Are you anxious? What's your tendencies? Do you want a family? Do you have any, you know? Do you smoke? What do you caulk? Do you like to go out? Do you like to stay in? Find out about people before you get in it and, if you're in it, spend some time figuring out what's going wrong before you just throw in the towel yes, and then people need to learn how to be more open and honest with each other.

Speaker 4:

I think the key problem that we're having in today's society is a lack of communication. That's why relationships are failing. We've become a community or a group of people who are about instant gratification. Right when I was a kid, we had to go to the public library to get information. My kids today sit behind the computer and go to Mr Google and in a matter of moments they can gather a bunch of information. It doesn't mean it's accurate, but they can be instantly gratified and receive what they want.

Speaker 4:

So I think social media has played a huge role in this, because now people are trying to compete with each other. We're in competition with each other at a higher level than we've ever been before. We don't have a sense of community the way we used to. When I was a kid growing up in the 80s, we ran around in the streets and played stickball and I was never home. Today's kids are home behind the video game. They're playing with their phones. Go to a high school. You watch them all walking around. You're wondering how they don't bump into each other because they're all staring in their phone.

Speaker 3:

The kids are actually bumping into things. They don't have this magic ability to correct lampposts or anything and they are having more accidents. But I'm right with you, I don't understand it at all, and I'm sure that's part of this, because I was out on my bike. You know biking through the woods and finding the old quarry with water in it, and you know we built a rope and we swung out across the water with the rusty old cars in it, like things you'd never be allowed to do today. I had a ball every day and I got home when it was going dark, but I was always a bit late, you know. As you can imagine, exactly.

Speaker 4:

They're always calling me to get me off the street. Come in here now. We gotta eat dinner right? Today's kids that's not that way and we don't have the sense of community the way we did. Back then I I mean my friend's mother's had permission to correct me if they needed to. If somebody else's parent did that, the parent of the child would get very upset. Why are you correcting my child? That's my child.

Speaker 4:

We just don't have that sense of community anymore, and that's part of what's causing a lot of the issues going on in today's society.

Speaker 3:

They call cops or they'd send uncle, depending on what part of the country you live in. Send Uncle Bob around to clock your new one. All right, let's move on to anxious, preoccupied. What do they say? Characteristics are they fear abandonment and think about someone in your life. Does this fit with that? Overanalyzes. Interactions can be clingy or possessive, and they say things like why didn't you text me back? Are you mad at me? Or I feel like I love you more than you love me? If you leave, I don't know what I'll do. I can't be alone. Red flags.

Speaker 4:

So those partners or their partners often feel smothered and can never give enough assurance, have experienced this and they'll understand it now why that was occurring. Um, and it's a both are tough lives to lead. Um, but somebody with an anxious preoccupied you're you're going to have to understand. They're going to require your attention on a more regular basis, or with an avoidant. They like space. They they more than anybody, like to have the space. They prefer to have what we call a situation ship where they're not really fully into the relationship. They're obtaining the couple of things that they want from that relationship and then go off on your own. I don't need you right now.

Speaker 4:

The anxious preoccupied is just the opposite. They're going to want you by their side all the time and anytime they feel stressed, they're going to pull you closer and that can interfere in people's businesses, things of that nature. It can become a distraction. So you have to be aware of who your partner is and then help them self-regulate. That's one of the challenges for an anxious. They don't know how to self-regulate. Think of a secure. They don't know how to self-regulate. They also understand that they need to support their partner's emotions and avoiding is the best there is. All they know how to do is auto-regulate. They can only regulate on their own. As soon as there's a challenge, they push you away and they go try to regulate the problem. If you try to become a little clingy, they'll run even faster. They feel you their partner. Go fix yourself. I'm not helping you. The anxious, preoccupied is just the opposite. I need your help to fix myself. I don't trust myself to fix myself. Do I need you to do it for me?

Speaker 3:

and that is the really loved me, you'll love that one too, if you really loved me, xyz. And sometimes it's said in jest, but it's not really in jest, and I'm sure there's, there's, I mean there's learnings from both sides, right? So if the avoidant can, can, um, you know, meet, not halfway obviously, but even learn some phrases and way to communicate and way to speak to the person who's anxious to not necessarily just to continually reassure them, but to speak to them in a different way. Maybe they won't be so clingy and anxious and won't drive you nuts, right?

Speaker 4:

and it's one of the reasons why avoidance and anxious are attracted to each other. Avoidance want to control the relationship. They want to control the pace of everything. That's where avoidance can look like a narcissist, but they're not. They're doing it for different reasons. A narcissist wants to control you, their partner, and avoidance is controlling themselves and the environment in which their relationship is. So there's a lot of similarities in their actions. Where you perceive them as being a narcissist, they're not. An anxious is just the opposite. They're always requiring somebody else to validate them and somebody else to support them, and they're not capable of supporting themselves. The disorganized gets really crazy because you don't know which one you're dealing with.

Speaker 4:

I call them, dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. That's where it gets really scary because as their partner, you get very confused. What am I supposed to do? I want to help you, but I don't know what to do Because when I do this, you go that way. When I do that, you go the other way. So I'm always trying to figure out when I'm dealing with a fearful avoidant or disorganized, what am I supposed to be doing? And that can become very taxing on somebody. You're walking on eggshells. When, anytime, somebody has avoidant tendencies, you have to plan on the fact that you're going to be walking on eggshells.

Speaker 4:

Going back to a dismissive avoidant and directly how it applies to real estate, let me be very clear you cannot rely on a dismissive avoidant. Directly how it applies to real estate. Let me be very clear you cannot rely on a dismissive avoidant for anything. They're not going to be there when you want them to be. They're not capable of it because they don't trust you, even though they're in a relationship, and as soon as there's a problem or a challenge, they're going to disengage and they're going to go fix themselves and they feel you need to go fix yourself. And that's where it gets really challenging. Specifically to real estate. I'm married to an avoidant and she triggers. She's going to file for divorce and now I've got to now sell real estate. So that's one of the challenges we're going to talk about today.

Speaker 3:

And in the transaction as well. Oh my gosh. So let's move on to the next one, the dismissive avoidant. This is the person that avoids deep emotional bonds and characteristics of value independence Exactly what you were just saying over emotional intimacy, emotion, distant, avoids deep conversations, and they say things like I don't do drama. Relationships shouldn't be this complicated. I don't really believe in needing a partner to be happy. I'm just not the type to say I love you. It doesn't mean I don't care. And the red flag they avoid commitment and they push people away emotionally.

Speaker 4:

That's correct. And now think about that, how that could apply to your life. You're in a relationship with somebody that you're guaranteed you cannot rely on, and that is a challenge, and there are ways to pull the avoidant into, but they have to be willing to do the lifting. You and I have talked about this from a leadership perspective you can only bring a horse to water. You can't make it drink, and that's one of the challenges with dismissive avoidance is the title says everything. They dismiss you and they avoid. Those are their two main traits, and so I don't like labels. That's why I call them DAs and FAs.

Speaker 4:

I'm not a big fan of labeling people, um, but that is exactly what they do. They'll dismiss you from at any given moment and they will avoid any challenges that take place. And what's interesting about them is the entire time when they trigger, they do not communicate the fact that they're having ill feelings. They continue to love bomb on you so, as their partner, you're not even aware that they're having ill feelings. They continue to love bomb on you so, as their partner, you're not even aware that they're having a problem. And then one day they'll wake up and they literally erase you and you'll wake up. They're gone. They've now blocked you on all social media channels. They blocked you on the cell phone. You can't communicate with them in any fashion and you have absolutely no clue why, and they're known for that. That is one of their key traits.

Speaker 4:

What's interesting about the dismissive avoidance is they have a what we call the relationship death wheel. They do the same cycle over and over. That's why you have, that's why they have so many relationships. They just keep repeating the same cycle over and over again. Phase seven and eight of their cycle is when they go into their reminiscence stage and their nostalgia stage. So stage six they six. They've left you. They're now excited, they're exuberant about it, they're happy they've left you. I have my independence back. That usually lasts between three and four months.

Speaker 4:

The reason they're able to do that is they're the kings of suppressing their emotions. You can only suppress your emotions for so long. At some point those emotions are going to come to the surface. When they do it, it hits them like a ton of bricks. And now they become very sad. They start feeling guilt. They start realizing wait a minute, my partner wasn't that bad. Maybe it was me, and that's why, 40% of the time an avoidant will attempt to return to the relationship or at least establish communication with you. But there has to be a period of no contact. They need to understand. The only time that'll happen is when they truly believe you've moved on and possibly even started another relationship, and then they'll try to reach out to you and contact you, thinking there might be an opportunity to have a conversation. And more often than not that person's already moved on and now they're in another relationship, and why they don't get to reenter that relationship again. So they go through a very maddening cycle.

Speaker 3:

Something's going through my head right now and I'm wondering for gentlemen out there whether you're feeling the same thing or whether it's a girl thing, because I'm thinking as you're talking about these different characters, I see people that I've dated or been married to in all of them like, oh my gosh, it's so clear as you're talking through it and we're saying the statements and you're really rounding that out. Chris, thank you so much. I'm wondering is a guy sitting out there listening today feeling the same way? Or do guys just not care and they're like, whatever you know, get on with it, let's go oh no guys care.

Speaker 4:

Everybody has an attachment style. Now, typically men are avoidance. In the past were the larger group of the avoidance Anxious were women. The fearful avoidant were also women. They had 30% that were avoidant and 5% fearful and 25% anxious. We've seen a large increase in dismissive, avoidant women. That's in the last 10 to 15 years.

Speaker 4:

I didn't know that is. We're passing. This is why I do it. People ask me the big why, why I'm having these conversations. We are screwing up our children. We're passing our attachment styles on to our children. Remember that snowball going down the hill and getting larger. It's coming and we're passing our attachment styles onto their children.

Speaker 4:

So if you have an avoidant male in a relationship and there's not a good connection with the mother and they don't have a good connection with the father, there's a higher probability that that child will become an avoidant. If there's an anxious within that family and again, there's not a good emotional connection, that first five years, there's a higher probability that child's going to become an anxious. I'm talking to a woman right now that has two children and she's realized that she's an avoidant and she's getting very concerned because her kids are 10 and 14 years old. Do my children have a broken attachment style Because I've identified as a dismissive avoidant and I realize I have challenges and now I'm learning I might be passing them on to them and there are things you can do to help prevent it. But ultimately, if they do form a broken attachment, it's going to have to be repaired within a relationship.

Speaker 3:

Let's move on to the fearful avoidance. So hot and cold behavior and deep trust issues, emotional unpredictability. I'm telling you I'm never, ever dating again and the statement is I want to be with you, but sometimes I just need to disappear for a while. I love you but I don't know if I can trust you. People always let me down. I'm scared that if I let you in, you'll hurt me too. And the red flag is the push-pull dynamic and self-sabotaging of relationships.

Speaker 4:

Yes, anybody with avoidant tendencies. The DA or the FA are self-sabotagers and the fearful avoidant has avoidancy in them and they have the push-pull. They're the most confusing. As I said, dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, you just don't know which one you're going to get and when they're in their anxious stage, they'll try to pull you closer, become clingy. You respond to that as their partner. You want to give them what they need. You're a loving partner. Once you start giving to that to them, now the avoidancy kicks in and now they start pushing you away. So you turn around and, okay, I'll give you your space. So the moment you give this space, no, no, no, come back here. Then you come back and you're always in that push-pull environment and a very confusing environment to be in. So and it can affect a lot of decisions that you make.

Speaker 4:

Again, tying into our conversation of real estate, when you're in a relationship with somebody like that, you have to count on the fact that you cannot rely on them. So when you're making a decision on buying real estate, you have to prepare. They're probably going to leave specifically anyone with avoidant tendencies in them. The anxious, pure anxious. They're going to try to stay at all costs. Anxious don't usually run away. Just the opposite, they get very clingy. So it's a different mindset when you're buying real estate with somebody like that.

Speaker 3:

I think I'm secure with tendencies and I think I started off this conversation today with anxious tendencies. Now I think I've got avoidant tendencies just by the time on. And can you believe we've only got 12 minutes left. I never know where these hours go on a Saturday morning. Thank you so much for being here. I want to scoot right down because we've only got 12 minutes left.

Speaker 3:

Obviously, we can see how the stats are shocking. What's going on in the world is shocking. The amount of divorce in the world is shocking. The amount of divorce in the world is shocking. I had somebody yesterday talking about we're in a meeting together and he was saying oh, I don't know, you know, I've got this Indian friend who is in an arranged marriage and after all these years she's finally thinking that she loves the guy. And I don't know how they do these arranged marriages. And I'm like what do you think we do? You know, first of all we arrange our marriages ourselves and usually we don't put a whole lot of thought or time into what we're doing. And sometimes I mean I know somebody who just a couple of years ago got married, I don't know, four weeks after meeting someone. Good Lord, we're setting ourselves up.

Speaker 4:

The funny part about that is arranged marriages have a higher success rate than unarranged marriages, and usually that's because the parties entering into an arranged marriage are traditionalists and they continue the traditions.

Speaker 3:

When the parties care right. So the families know each other and usually the families are going to care about the children, so they're matchmaking, caring about their children. So it's you know some of it. I'm not listen. I'm not arguing for arranged marriages here.

Speaker 4:

It's funny you say that, though, shame plays a big role in that, shame will cause people to stay in marriages and, statistically, if you have problems in your marriage and you stay together for five years during those problems, you'll stay together for the rest of your life. That's why I say there's only four or five key reasons why people should even consider a divorce. Physical abuse, drug abuse, alcoholism, things of that nature Okay, we get it. Somebody's infidelity, they're cheating on you. Again, those are personal decisions. Do I stay or don't? I understand why people would exit a marriage because of that, but if you're leaving a marriage over transactional stuff, you probably should look in the mirror and think twice about that, because you're hurting your partner, you're hurting your children and, ultimately, you're hurting yourself.

Speaker 3:

Gosh, I'm getting chills as you're talking. Honestly, you're literally making the hair stand up on my neck. I was listening to a Mal Robbins podcast yesterday and it was an attorney who'd written a book and was talking about conversational styles. Obviously, you know he's going into legislate and it was so interesting and he was talking about these key phrases and one of them that I thought was so interesting is just learning the phrase. First of all, to sit and listen and not come back and be defensive. Right, that's never any good, but the phrase was I could have done better Because it immediately, just, you know, dissolves that heat of the moment, takes a pause and allows you to have a conversation. I really liked it. I like gathering those because, especially as you're becoming more self-aware and you're working on yourself, for me, maybe I'm just that type of person having a few key things that I remember to say in the moment when my waveform and brain is going, you know I'm ready to fight back, like having something key to say. And you know, doing the three, four, five, where you breathe in for three and hold for four and breathe out for five, like those little techniques can be so helpful.

Speaker 3:

I want to get some stats here. So loneliness in younger and older generations. We've touched on this in the shows before the stats are. We've touched on this today, but I wanted to hear these stats guys. 40% of people aged between 16 and 24 report feeling lonely. We've talked about it. What's happening to families? Old, older adults? One in three, and that's less than the young adults. How crazy is that? One in three between 50 and 80 reported feeling isolated in the past year. I want to scoot over Chris, just because of our lack of time here. I knew we'd do this because we have so much fun talking to each other. In case I didn't say so at the top, I've known Chris for over a decade and he's just one of the best people to speak to. Lucky Matt Chris.

Speaker 4:

I appreciate you, thank you.

Speaker 3:

Blow up his phone. No, I'm just kidding, but he is available for coaching on this as well as doing amazing real estate in Naples, florida, let's talk about in the last few minutes. We have how to break the cycle. You know, identifying your style, obviously becoming aware We've got couples how to navigate buying and selling a home with emotional turmoil. You can do this all in five minutes, right For singles. How to make those confident real estate decisions without that fear-based thinking and just generally, maybe we throw real estate out for a minute. You know, how do you? How'd you get better, chris?

Speaker 4:

um, you have to do it within relationship. And then, as I say a a you have to have awareness. Okay, I'm an avoidant, I'm an anxious, I'm aware of it. Now you also have to take action. As I say, awareness without action is useless. Okay, so you're Now what you have to take action. And those actions look like leaning into it.

Speaker 4:

Again, the avoidant doesn't trust anybody. They have to learn how to trust their partner. They have to build a little confidence With an avoidant, though it's actually physically painful for them to do so. They built such a coping mechanism that if they try to violate that coping mechanism, it'll actually cause physical pain for them. But they have to go through that process. They can transition from an avoidant to a secure in a matter of three to six months just by learning how to trust their partner openly and honestly communicating. One of the first things I tell an avoidant when something is bothering you, you have 24 hours to communicate that to your partner.

Speaker 4:

Because one of the challenges that avoidants have is they stuff. They're stuffers. They take these little bricks. You did this wrong. They put it in their subconscious. Over time they build a wall. Once that wall is built, they trigger and they disengage from the relationship. That's where that erasing takes place. The whole time the partner doesn't know any of this is coming because they're love bombing during the process. The anxious does the same thing, but just the opposite. They don't trust themselves. I think the anxious have an easier path to security than an avoidant does, because the anxious only has to learn how to trust one person themselves. They already trust everyone else. That's who they're looking for validation. The avoidant, I think, has a little bit harder path, because they don't trust anyone but themselves and now they have to learn how to trust others, and that includes their children, their mothers, their fathers, their deep relationships, because that's the only place these things show up is in your deep relationships. All of them are good at maintaining friendships because they're getting dopamine from those friendships and they don't have to commit to them. They can't run and walk away at any point in time, so your insecure attachment styles do very well in friendships. That's why their friends get confused when they have so many relationship problems. Wow, you're a really nice person.

Speaker 4:

I don't know why this keeps happening, and where the problem is is the commitment standpoint. When you fall in love with somebody, you're now committing to them and avoiding in particular. That is their biggest fear I'm going to give up my independence and anxious. Their biggest fear is you're going to abandon me. Oh no, I have to commit to this person. You're going to abandon me. I already know that Meanwhile.

Speaker 4:

That's not true, and not in most cases. If they actually told their partner what was going on inside their head, they would probably come to a resolution and that partner would support them emotionally. But if you're not aware that your partner is going through that, how can you help them? And that's where that open and honest communication comes into play. You asked about single people and buying real estate. I would encourage single people to buy real estate all the time. You're not going to trigger while you're alone and can go out and buy an asset. Um, and feel good about that. Now, if you're dating somebody that's a, an avoidant or an anxious and insecure style, just be aware at that point not to put them on the title for a while and make sure that the relationship is going to last. Um, specifically with an avoidant, because they're going to trigger usually within 24 months.

Speaker 3:

The two-year spot, it seems like, and they just repeat. I'm wondering. I mean I don't want to make all avoidance men. We know a few more of avoidance in male than female. But are those the kinds that go to the bar every night and say I'll be home by seven o'clock?

Speaker 4:

Avoidance is some of the hardest work, is they get it. They have an addiction issue, as I say, and they get addicted to work. Um, they do like to go out and party a little bit like any, any of the attachment styles, um, with friends, things of that nature, but no, they're not usually trying to date within bars I didn't mean in terms of cheating or dating.

Speaker 3:

I meant in terms of getting that hit from their friends who they're not really committed to. All their best friends are at the bar. It's like a cheers bar but they don't have those deep friendships. They don't go out to dinner, they don't go on vacation with them, but they're these core, key friends at the bar that they visit on a regular basis, that they're getting that hit from and then they're going home.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, and usually the avoidant won't stay long. They come in, they get their dopamine, they'll stay for a little while and then get up and leave, because one of the ways to identify an avoidant is they'll pronounce their independence. Anyone that walks around saying all the time that they're independent be very cautious of, because there's a high probability they're going to have avoidant tendencies. Another way to identify them, if you're dating them, is try to find out how they handle conflict resolution. How do you handle problems within your relationship? If they say something like stuff things and shut down and then encode? You're dating an avoidant.

Speaker 3:

They don't tell me that, chris. We know they do. Oh yeah, they do actually Really.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I dated an avoidant by month four. I knew she was a dismissive avoidant. I put her basically through. I asked her about 20 of the assessment questions. That's one of the great part about the assessment questions. They can be multiple choice or they can be singular um. So you can do it verbally and you know you've been through the process of learning the disc and different behavioral profiles. You and I don't determine somebody else's profile. They do by what they say and what they do um. So all you have to be able to do is be able to slide the questions, and that's a great part about attachment theory. You can actually slide the questions in basically the week you're starting to date and within a short period of time you'll have a good idea of who's sitting across the table from you very, very true.

Speaker 3:

thank you so much today, Chris. That was amazing. Chris is actually going to be spotlighted on our real estate app called Listing Royalty, of course, and we have a whole course and a download and we've got a wonderful thing that you'll be able to download on there. Download on there so you can hit either of us up, obviously, listening on the radio to me, hit me up on Facebook you're friends with me all over the place Rowena Patton or just give a call. 828. We've got people on the phones 24-7,. 828-333-4483. You've got it. You know how to get hold of me. It's awesome. We'll send you the link to the entire course and the downloads so you can figure out what that person is in your life. But, Chris, what happens if we end up causing some divorces? They've been happy for 20 years and now they're like well, guess what I found out? You're.

Speaker 4:

I think they know two really good real estate agents, so I'd be happy to help them with their issues and sell their assets for them. I don't wish anyone demise, but if those things occur, divorce is a fact of life and we're here to help them.

Speaker 3:

We love you all and thank you for listening. This is Rowena Patton on the Real Estate News Radio Show. Tell your friends to go to realestatenewsradiocom. That's realestatenewsradiocom. There's a link to listen live and also to download this episode and all of the others, or you can give us a call, 828-333-4483. We've got people standing by 24-7. They'll take a message if it's the middle of the night. Thank you to Chris Evanson, our wonderful guest today, and we'll see you on the radio next week.

Speaker 1:

This has been the Plain English Real Estate Show with Rowena Patton. Visit Rowena and post your questions at radioashvillecom or call her at 828-210-1648.

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Rowena Patton, NC, FL, DC, CA

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Chris Evensen

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