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Navigating Senior Care: Embracing Memory Issues and Enhancing Quality of Life

• Rowena Patton

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How do you navigate the emotional labyrinth of senior care and memory issues? Join us for a heartfelt conversation with Jeanette Pascoe, inspired by her grandmother's experience with dementia, and Deanna Allen as we explore the complex world of senior living transitions. From the joys and challenges of memory care to the profound connections formed amidst the journey, we uncover the emotional depths of supporting families and individuals through these critical life changes.

Learn how lifestyle changes can be a powerful ally in preventing dementia, with Jeanette sharing insights on innovative programs like "Senior Staycations" designed to offer reprieve and support for both caregivers and their loved ones. With alarming dementia statistics on the rise, we emphasize the significance of sleep, diet, and self-care, particularly for women, while Deanna sheds light on their collaborative efforts in enhancing senior care services. Together, we explore the need for holistic, empathetic environments that cater to emotional and physical well-being.

Hear how memories and meaningful experiences triumph over material possessions in senior care. We discuss the transformative power of music and engaging activities to foster connection and comfort for those facing memory issues. By sharing poignant stories of couples and families navigating dementia, we highlight the crucial role of senior living communities in easing caregiver burdens and restoring familial roles. Through stories of compassion and understanding, we aim to uplift and enhance the quality of life for seniors, ensuring they feel a true sense of belonging within their communities.

Speaker 1:

This is the Plain English Real Estate Show with your host, rowena Patton, a show that focuses on the real estate market in terms you can easily understand. Call Rowena now. The number is 240-9962 or 1-800-570-9962. Now here's the English girl in the mountains, the agent that I would trust, rowena Patton.

Speaker 2:

Hi everyone, rowena Patton and Deanna Allen here. We're pleased to feature our very first community spotlight Today. I'm really thrilled to introduce Jeanette Pascoe, the Community Relations Director for the Peaks Memory Care Community in Clinton, utah. Join us as we dive into Jeanette's story, her insights on building strong relationships and how she uses her expertise to educate and support families navigating the adventure of transitioning into senior living and memory care. I'm truly honored to know her and delighted to welcome her. Hi, jeanette.

Speaker 3:

Hello Ro, it's so good to meet you today.

Speaker 2:

It's so great to meet you, and also we have Deanna Allen on the line.

Speaker 4:

Well, hello everyone. Thanks Ro for that introduction. And I came into this because I actually wanted to be a nurse about 20 years ago and to do that you have to uphold a CNA license for some time and certification, and so I actually found my way to a local senior living community and started in the memory care as a CNA, caring for residents with Alzheimer's and dementia.

Speaker 2:

And what are you doing these days, Deanna?

Speaker 4:

These days I am working for this wonderful program with Senior Living CPO and bringing wonderful resources available to help those who are looking to transition into senior living themselves.

Speaker 2:

That's awesome. Jeanette, tell us about you. How did you get into all of this?

Speaker 3:

Through the journey that I've had leading up to this point. It's been a combination of so many different facets in my career and my personal life as well, and when this opportunity came I knew I was home. When I started learning about senior living. It really was the genesis of when my grandmother started to have dementia symptoms and as she started to develop those and I started to jump in more and care for her more and just be there with her more, more frequently, I saw both her pain and my family's pain, but I also saw these opportunities to just infuse joy into her life. And that it's not the end when somebody has dementia. It's the beginning of a new experience.

Speaker 2:

And you and I have similar stories, Jeanette. I was raised by my grandparents and at 20, my grandmother. They were taking into what they used to call then, because this is at least a couple of years ago. They took her into what they used to call then psychogeriatric testing at the local hospital and this held about 100 or 150 seniors, as I remember, and I'll never forget the first day going in there because I was horrified. This is my grandmother, you know, and she was found wandering the streets at 1am in the morning and yeah, it was. It was scary.

Speaker 2:

So I go into the hospital and all these seniors are there as I'm entering and I'm holding the door for them because you know they're my elders, I do the right thing. This is in England. At the time I didn't understand what was going on. So I walk in, you know they're going out to the park and sort of in the you know communal areas, and then about five or ten minutes later, all the alarms are going off and apparently I'd let them out. Oh dear, yeah. So the alarms were going off. I was the terrible person that was releasing all the seniors and it was definitely time to get them back in. They were having a ball. It was fantastic. Tell us a bit more about your story, Jeanette, because it's fascinating.

Speaker 3:

It was about three years after I had learned about this community that I saw the job opening, and so that's really where it hit home for me is that I could say to the people I'm talking to I have been there. I don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes, but I know what it's like to walk beside you. I can, I can relate to you and I can tell you that it's going to be okay and I'm going to help walk you through this and we're going to do it together. So those are some of those things that we have.

Speaker 2:

Go ahead. Is that meaning anything to you, deanna? You, you know the fact that you've been in there and you've been through this process and can help them absolutely yes, for sure.

Speaker 4:

Uh, you know, when I moved on from being a CNA in the community I mentioned earlier, um, I was doing just what Jeanette is doing and I was there for 14 years helping guide those families through those experiences. And you know there's something to be said for obviously, like she mentioned, we don't know exactly what they're going through on a day to day basis. It could be very different from what we've been through, but just to have that experience being a caregiver on my side and then Jeanette has had that experience personally with her family really resonates with people and helps them feel like they're heard.

Speaker 2:

You know, I want to give some examples of that for people listening that maybe haven't experienced what it's like to have a senior in your world. You know, I was raised by my grandparents. My grandfather much beloved grandfather, passed when I was 13. And over the years then and every weekend, I'd see her slowly decline. In fact, there was one time and I want to get real here, because this is what it looks like, you know, before you are fully assessed and even when you are fully assessed.

Speaker 2:

So I would go home as an 18 year old and traveling from college in a different state and they're not called states in England, but same thing and I would sit down at the table. I might go, take a boyfriend with me or a friend or something, and my grandmother would serve me an entire chicken on the plate. She would have cooked three chickens and the chickens would come out on the plate and I'd sit there awkwardly as an 18 year old going what do I do now? How do I explain this to my friend? And I'd find a grocery bag and slip them off the plate, you know, into the grocery bag on my lap, so I didn't embarrass her. These are the kind of things that families deal with every single day. And then she progressed to be wandering at one o'clock in the morning down to get in England. You get your pension from the post office, or you did in those days and she was hammering on the doors at one o'clock in the morning, you know the pubs were just letting out of all. Yeah, you can only imagine saying you people are trying to keep my pension in her robe and slippers and she'd walked about five minutes down back alleys and streets to get there to do that. I mean, it all sounds. It's funny now thinking about that happening, you know, but it certainly was not funny at the time.

Speaker 2:

And I was so worried for her. What if she left the gas on? She had a gas stove, she smoked, like a lot more people smoked in those days. What if that cigarette dropped and burned her or the house? So many what ifs ran through your mind.

Speaker 2:

And then she started bringing in next door's milk, because in those days we used to have milk. It's like we did in the States. And she'd bringing in next door's milk because in those days we used to have milk. It's like we did in the states, you know. And she'd bring in next door door's milk. It really got to a stage where something had to be done and it it got taken out of my hands honestly and I was a kid, you know got taken out of my hands because she went into the psycho geriatric testing. So, jeanette, you've been through this can. Can you share it? It's almost hard to share honestly. It's funny, it's bringing up all those feelings for me and it's decades ago. Can you share any of that journey that you had and and you had to save her, the embarrassment that?

Speaker 3:

is music to my ears in the sense that you did save her the embarrassment. People going through dementia are easily embarrassed. They know that something is wrong. They just don't know how to correct it because they don't have the memory. Or their other symptoms as well, like not being able to reason, not being able to keep track of time or to keep track of medications or just to be able to function even as the disease further progresses. Somebody is starting to become incontinent. They are starting to maybe make some unsafe decisions or messes.

Speaker 3:

Fire hazards are a big deal and what I can remember, one particular day that I walked into my grandmother's home and she had blood spots all over her body, like little spots that she had been picking at she also.

Speaker 3:

She also had um. As I went to clean in her apartment, I walked into her restroom, which is really only two doors away. It's very close, but she would get lost in that tiny apartment and there was shattered glass all over the floor right in front of her bathroom sink and I just thought, oh my gosh, if she has bare feet, she would be completely cut by this. And then right around the corner, in the kitchen, on the counter was a half jagged glass with an empty Coke can sitting inside of the glass. So I could only think and imagine what may have been going through her mind and what if she had actually picked up that jagged glass and tried to drink out of the Coke. Can you know, there are things like that, that reasoning goes out the window in certain situations, and there may be moments of lucidity as well, and those are to be treasured, but it's not always the case.

Speaker 2:

In the psychogeographic. So I actually took a mortgage out in the house I don't know how I did it so that I could get a nurse to come into the house and take care of her and sadly she passed. And she was in there for probably four or five weeks and the week before she passed I heard stories from her that I'd never heard, honestly, my entire life and she was having completely I don't want to say normal, because what's normal, you know, are any of us normal? You?

Speaker 2:

know these days, but she was having these very lucid conversations and telling me stories about people and things that I couldn't believe. It was amazing. In fact, I shared it with my dad later and he said I've never heard that story. It was amazing. I wish, I so wish I'd recorded her. And I'd say to everybody out there if you have a grandparent or you have a parent at the beginning stages of this, record them. Get not even beginning stages, Just have it when you go home for the holidays, Make some recordings, make some video recordings, because I so wish I had those.

Speaker 2:

Now is a different time, but guess what? We've all got a cell phone now. But you know, I want you to talk, and Deanna as well, about the fact this just doesn't happen to people as they're getting on in their years. I know somebody who was in their 50s that I had a good friend Actually I saw him again on the radio. He now lives in the Bahamas. Mike, I'll give you a shout out. Mike Blanton is amazing. He's a financial planner. He moved to the Bahamas. He had a wonderful wife who was only in her 50s and she started going downhill. He was. I couldn't understand what was happening because they were doing bucket list things. They were doing all this traveling and he was a very busy person. They were doing all this traveling around the world and doing these amazing things and she ended up in a facility and she passed within three years. So this doesn't just happen to senior people, does it, Deanna? You want to jump in on that?

Speaker 4:

Yeah, you know it doesn't. That's technically called early onset Alzheimer's is typically the diagnosis that you'll see from that, and that can happen as early as late 30s, early 40s even it's. Yeah, there have been cases of that and the World Health Organization actually reports that as of today, there are over 55 million people nationwide experiencing dementia and that number is actually set to increase to 139 million by the year 2050.

Speaker 2:

That's not that far from now In the US or everywhere.

Speaker 4:

Worldwide.

Speaker 2:

Good Lord. What do they think is causing it? Do we have any idea?

Speaker 3:

I believe we do, so. There are some things that are pointing to genetics, but there's more and more research being done on this, and not just on Alzheimer's, but on dementia as a whole and the various types. So what we are finding is that a lot of it goes back to lifestyle and that is related to you know, we hear that all the time in relation to avoiding heart disease and, you know, kidney disease, lung disease. All of those things have to do with lifestyle and to change your healthy habits from a young age. And now this is. This is really the big brain disease and we've got to start caring about our brains. Honestly, you know some of the biggest hitters and it really hits home to me because I do have. I do have not only my grandmother, but my grandfather had dementia, and now my father does.

Speaker 2:

Wow.

Speaker 4:

And so I do want to be prepared Right?

Speaker 3:

So some of the things that we can do are to get enough sleep, and you may be telling yourself, oh well, that's out the window.

Speaker 3:

But I've got to tell you that I have noticed within myself that if I'm not getting enough sleep which is usually every day, because I have a 23 year old with severe special needs who is fully dependent on me, and so if she's not sleeping, I'm not sleeping but I've had to be fiercely loyal to my sleep and make sure that if I'm not getting it in one area, that I'm going to make up for it, or that I'm going to sleep or to bed or to just rest and relax earlier in the evening, and when I do that, I'm so much more mentally clear. But we also have to look at our diet. This is being known more and more as diabetes type three. So we are in a very serious situation's eliminating some of those things that cause higher inflammation, such as sugars or other types of carbohydrates, and just keeping it more as a minimum, as a balance. Those are some things that really can benefit people as they try to avoid the effects of dementia in the future.

Speaker 2:

Deanna, any tips for people listening out there of things to do, Because it doesn't matter if you're 20 or 70, you can take action right.

Speaker 4:

Absolutely. You know Jeanette and I were speaking personally about self-care, especially for us as women, and you know Jeanette is a caregiver, like she said, for her daughter, and cares a lot for others. But you know, I think we tend to kind of focus on what everyone else needs instead of our own, and I know that when it comes to Alzheimer's and dementia, women are disproportionately affected by dementia, both directly and indirectly. It's been shown that, you know, we experience a higher mortality and disability, adjusted life rate and years due to those diagnoses. So the more that we can do to take care of ourselves, challenge our way of thinking, get enough sleep, like Jeanette said, you know, the more we can really do for ourselves in the long run.

Speaker 2:

Wow, scary stuff. Hmm, okay, so tell us a little bit about your facility Jeanette I'm taking a hard turn here and also the process that people go through when they're. You know you've probably. Do you have a wait list right?

Speaker 3:

now do have a wait list for some styles of our suites.

Speaker 3:

It depends on the style that they choose, but truly there are many types of opportunities when somebody is needing that transition.

Speaker 3:

One of the most recent opportunities that we launched last week is our new day program senior day program called Senior Staycations, and this is a wonderful medium road for individuals who are saying well, it is hard, the day-to-day is hard, but as a caregiver, I don't want to give this up. I don't want to be apart from my loved one with dementia. I want to still be able to function in life and be with them. So a day program enables them to be able to work or go do errands or do their Christmas shopping or do anything that they need to do to like doctor's appointments, so they can take care of themselves as well, to enable them and empower them to do those self-care necessities while they know that their loved one is actually receiving this phenomenal fun, social, active program and they're making friends and enjoying their day-to-day life. So this is really exciting and we're already seeing that take off. So that's one way that it can be a bridge to. You know, if it is earlier stages, that can be a bridge for a lot of families.

Speaker 2:

That's amazing. So that's a senior staycation.

Speaker 3:

Senior staycations. Yes, we're talking about.

Speaker 2:

Utah, for everybody listening. But remember a lot of memory care facilities, a lot of communities, a lot of senior living communities offer similar things where you're at.

Speaker 2:

You know, this is available around the country in all kinds of different ways. We are building um an amazing list of communities. We've got a hope and over 160 of them now with all kinds of details, and we're not charging referral fees, like a lot of these, these big ones. In fact, deanna, aren't you working with Jeanette, like you've recently got, discussing how you can help her? How are you helping Jeanette Deanna in the senior care program?

Speaker 4:

yeah, jeanette is one of our community partners in in Clinton, utah, which, if you're familiar with Utah, that's Weber and Davis County area. So if if you're looking for senior living specifically related to memory care, definitely go see Jeanette at the Peaks. It's an amazing community. But yeah, jeanette and I actually didn't know each other prior to to me joining this program and so I got to reach out and connect with her and she is just just a delight to get to know. We are becoming great friends. I'm just so happy to know her, and you will be too just to illustrate how you're helping seniors navigate that adventure.

Speaker 2:

And I call it adventure because good old Mary and Jerry I love what Mary said about this next adventure in our life, so we're gonna make Deanna cry now. I'm trying not to. But um talk about how you helped, uh, mary and Jerry through that, that process sure, yeah, so Mary and Jerry are actually from Clinton.

Speaker 4:

Um, they decided to move to a couple cities over in Bountiful Utah if anybody knows where that is uh, at a community there, and they were really looking for a way to be able to sell their home in a manner where, you know, they didn't have to have someone come in and do repairs and showings and then they'd have to leave and you know Mary as a caregiver for Jerry and that would have been really challenging for them to have to leave the house a couple of times a week and and do all of that. You know it's challenging just to get to doctor's visits at that stage in life. So we were able to come in and offer them a solution where we could provide them with a cash offer to purchase their home and they were able to easily transition to their community two weeks later.

Speaker 2:

Wow. And 90 percent of seniors have to sell their home and they were on a wait list and often you get that call when you're on the wait list. I mean, jeanette can tell us about all this. Obviously You're on that wait list and it must be heartbreaking as working in a community having to say, well, I'm sorry, we need that money to put down and there are other ways to do it, but we need that money to put down in two weeks. But I also want to highlight Deanna, you're not one of these companies, because there are investors out here that work with communities and they'll give any investor, will give you 50, 60 percent of your money. The senior living cpo program gives you a portion of your equity, a big chunk of your equity, up to 70 percent on stage one, so you can move in in 14 days, like mary and jerry did, which is fantastic. And then we go in and do hgtv magic and or like magic and list the home. And then they get a second check and two thirds of our sellers make more than with a conventional listing. And, like you said, mary and Jerry, don't Imagine Jerry having to get out of the house for showings. That would have been a nightmare.

Speaker 2:

Sometimes there's little dogs involved. Sometimes you know all kinds of things are going on. The last thing you want to do as a senior or, frankly, a 20 year old, is show your house. Nobody likes to show the house. They don't want to sign outside, they don't want you know nosy neighbors going. Oh where are you going? And this works whether you're in, going into senior living or not. But, Jeanette, can you talk a little bit about that process? So you do have you know some of the factors where they're on a wait list. What does that look like? Like you know, is this something you can see utilizing going forward? Is you know?

Speaker 3:

obviously you're working with Deanna in this because she's local to you that she's providing, with the background that she has, is absolute gold to these families, because she not only provides them with this, you know, this full value. They're not getting just a portion, like you mentioned, not just a portion of the value of their home, but they're getting the full value, which means that that interprets to be able to have it last longer. So, you know, for individuals who talk to me all the time, I was helping a family last week and they they told me that they were so glad that they started earlier in the process of dementia and that they were able to enjoy this time more. So, um, I know a lot of caregivers go through some guilt with that placement, but we navigate all of that with them to decide, to help them decide. You know if, if somebody is having a hard time taking care of things at home, we give them home resources. We can help them find personal care assistance, we can help them get connected with the best home health and the best hospice companies, and they can do that at home or here in our community. And so when they, when they are going through that process, we we just want them to feel at peace, like they are meeting the needs, of what their loved one actually needs.

Speaker 3:

It's not so much about you know the distance or the time or things like that. Those are. Those are important parts. But I coach families to to make a list of the important factors to them, whether it's finances, whether it is being able to spend every day there, whether it's is it their health and their safety, so that they're not wandering, so that they're not falling as frequently.

Speaker 3:

All of those things are important, but let's look at them at a whole so that we're not spiraling as much in our own minds.

Speaker 3:

We can really ruminate, if we can get it out on paper and look at our priorities and then number them, not even necessarily in order, but let's put a value to each one of those items that are important to us and then from there the process really is simple.

Speaker 3:

All we need to do is have some doctor's orders to be able to just do a little bit of paperwork, and then we help them get matched to the exact right room or style of suite that helps them to have their best quality of life where they get to have it as an apartment. That helps them to have their best quality of life where they get to have it as an apartment. They get to still have their independence as much as possible while having those ancillary needs being met and, honestly, that is the key right there is how can we help somebody find purpose in every day as they're going through this adventure and I love that you have said it's an adventure, because this is not like we talked about before. This isn't the end of a story. This is the beginning of an adventure. It's a new version of our loved one and we have the privilege of walking with them through it.

Speaker 2:

Isn't it true? I heard the other day that anxiety and depression can get worse. So it seems like the whole world is dealing with anxiety and depression. I saw a number for women the other day that are medicated for some kind of anxiety and depression, and this doesn't even include the alcohol or anything else that you know, the sugar and the ice cream that we take when we've got anxiety or depression. But it's a very high number. It's a shockingly high number. It's almost half. You know they're taking some kind of medication for it and I also heard that which is it's going like you know, it's going just astronomically through the roof, and um, also that it it gets worse as you age. Have you, have you heard that or experienced that? Either of you, deanna, not personally, I'm not asking you.

Speaker 4:

Are you getting more anxious and depressed as you age? Well, let's talk about that, ro. No, no, I think. I think with society, that's just what it's turning to especially with the exposure of social media and all of those, you know what we consider resources available, it can also be a detriment to our social health and affect us emotionally too. So it's something to really, you know, keep out for, keep an eye on.

Speaker 4:

One thing I'd love to touch on with with Jeanette's community at the peaks is there are some memory care communities in the senior living space that can feel a little institutionalized, like you mentioned your experience with your grandma and you know having to go to the geropsych unit and I'm sure that looked very much like a hospital setting.

Speaker 4:

One of the advantages to Jeanette's community is the fact that you know she talked about it being kind of a circle. It's a very home-like environment and what you don't see in the Peaks when you enter is you don't see like emergency exit doors to exit the community through the front doors. What they've done is they've actually put covers on those so they look like a piece of the home. You know a bookcase or a window, that type of thing. A piece of the home, you know, a bookcase or a window, that type of thing, and so it's not confusing to the residents that she has there, because it really does truly feel like a home, like environment for them and they have wonderful, amazing engagement stations set up. That. And you know what, jeanette, I'll let you speak to that because I think that's just such an incredible feature to have, absolutely.

Speaker 3:

So you may be wondering what is an engagement station? What is that? I mean, it really is something that ties into that purpose for our residents. So let's say that somebody is moving about through the community and let's say that they just need something to do with their hands. We've got several women who live here right now who enjoy folding laundry. They don't have to fold laundry, but there's an engagement station to fold laundry and maybe that's something that they did as part of their prior life story where they enjoyed doing that and it gave them purpose.

Speaker 3:

There are other types of things that individuals can do, whether it be puzzles or tanograms, which are errorless puzzles. Somebody can just make shapes and color combinations based on what they want to see, so it doesn't have to be something that fits in together exactly perfectly. There are others that some of our gentlemen enjoy that maybe they did a lot of woodworking or they did a lot of. Some of our gentlemen enjoy that maybe they did a lot of woodworking or they did a lot of, you know, a lot in their tool shed, and I think we've had actually quite a few people who have had those experiences where they've been in a dangerous situation at home pulling out the chainsaw and cutting down trees that didn't need to be cut down, and their spouse is just bawling because they raised this tree for the last 50 years and it's not really a safe situation. So of course, we're not going to have, you know, anything that's sharp in our community or things like that.

Speaker 3:

But we can get creative. We can create stations where they work with wood, they work with sanding, they can do painting, they can do, they can use a leveler, they can use measuring tapes to do certain projects and that way, as they're using these engagement stations, their mind is active through the day and they are not as likely to become depressed, to have hyper fixation on an exit, to have hyper fixation on my. My daughter needs to pick me up, my daughter needs to pick me up, my daughter needs to pick me up. That way, they are engaged in something important and these are like you said.

Speaker 3:

I love that you were holding the door for your elders row, even though that was a faux pas moment. It was a learning experience, but that ties into. We do want to respect our elders. We can learn from them, we can help them honor their life stories and we can pull those stories to the surface. Sometimes we even do video recordings here at the Peaks of our residents telling their stories and those are so priceless. We don't always post those and share those. So when we can take a snapshot of that, I've had moments where I've shared that with family members and then they share something like that at their celebration of life later and it's just something where they get to listen to their voice, they get to listen to those priceless stories.

Speaker 2:

I want to talk again. It's 1-11, so in your part of the world. So those are the best angel numbers. Actually, Deanna can teach us all about the angel numbers. She's nodding for those of you.

Speaker 2:

Yes, oh my gosh, so I want to reiterate if you have anyone in your life parents, if you have anyone in your life parents, seniors, kids, anyone in your life make videos, ask them what they love, ask them what lights them up in the morning. There is nothing better than looking back on that and for the life of me, I would love to do that. We actually have something in real estate where I introduced a program called the memories video, because a lot of people I just came up with it one day when I was sitting with a couple of seniors and he was in a wheelchair. She was sitting there and, um, they both had tears in their eyes and I said I'm changing the names. I'll say I said, jenny, it's, it's clear you don't want to sell your house, and that's fine. Tell me a little bit more about that. What's going on? He was just sitting there in his wheelchair, looking rejected at the kitchen table and there was hardly anything around in the house. It seemed like they'd moved already. It was very sad and she said you know, I raised my family here. It still brings me it's so funny, it brings a lump to my throat talking about it all these years later. I raised my family here. My daughter walked down those stairs when she got married and I said, jenny, you know what we can do. We're going to make a memories video for you. She said I don't want to be on video, that's okay. Tell me your stories. You can stand behind me if you want and tell me as we walk around and we'll make a memories video walking around the house and we'll capture all of that for you and we put it on YouTube and we make it a non-public link so they can share the link. You have that forever because, guess what, you're not attached to the house, you're attached to the memories. So how do we capture those memories? It makes it so much easier.

Speaker 2:

We all think we can't let go of this house because we raised our kids here. I see this with 50 year olds. Their kids are now 30. Or I see it with 60, 70 year olds. Their kids are now 40 or 50. They've got their own families. They live in a different state and they've still got the border wallpaper. This is common. This is not one off border wallpaper in the bedrooms. You know little horsey border back when we had border wallpaper from 20 years ago because they think their kids might come home for the holidays Now? Gosh, it's heartbreaking, isn't it? Because people don't do that anymore. Some people do, so. Happy holidays, everyone. You know if your kids come home most often they don't, and we have a thing for that. They're called hotels, airbnb, vrbo, because everyone's happier, frankly, generally right, when you've got your own space. So quit hanging on to all that old stuff, all boxes. You're holding on to the memories.

Speaker 2:

There's other ways to take those memories and they're always in your heart. My grandfather died when I was 13. He's the most important person in my life and I went to a baptist church in England which is apparently very different to a baptist church in the states and the. In fact, we had a female priest in there and she sat down with me and said I'm so sorry. I was heartbroken, I'm so sorry, and I just want you to think of Christmas and think of the big fireplace. And here's the thing I saw his body.

Speaker 2:

I was 13. I saw his body and I said this isn't him. Like something happened. And so I want you to think of Christmas, in a big fireplace and you have a present in front of you, beautifully wrapped. You take that wrapping off and you throw it in the fire, but what are you left with the present? That's what those memories are. It doesn't matter about the box, it doesn't matter about, you know, everything else, the stuff and the things that we put in our lives. It's those memories. It's the memories you create with people. Soette, I love that you're doing that and making those videos. That is fantastic.

Speaker 3:

Well, wow, ro, what a powerful. Powerful just to be able to draw that parallel. And you know the symbolism of that box. I love that you articulated so well that it is that the important part is the memory that we are attached to and not the box that holds the memory. That is so true, and I see that with our families that that is where part of their mourning process comes into play, that they feel that they are mourning moving on from the box, from the home, from the way things used to be, and so if you combine the memories with the new adventure, that's where the joy starts to happen.

Speaker 3:

But what we have done is we train our caregivers in an in-depth dementia training so that we can follow individuals, even if they are still independent, but they have a little bit of dementia at the early stages or their mid stages and they are more assisted living appropriate Any one of those stages. What we do is we do a wraparound approach where we dive into their life story, we partner with our life enrichment department director and we develop not only age appropriate but ability appropriate, skills, programs, activities, outings, things that spark those memories, things that tie that into their purpose as they go into this new adventure. So what I'm trying to illustrate is that individuals in our community can come very early in the process and still enjoy independence process and still enjoy independence, assisted and memory care level, supported living, and, and so those are some of the things that we want to consider. Is, when somebody has dementia, do we want to move them over and over and over again? Do we want to keep?

Speaker 2:

changing their environment when they're having a hard time adjusting. So why do we I think what you mean by that, jeanette, is do we want to take somebody in the early or mid stages and put them in assisted living or maybe start at home? Because this is how it goes right they start at home, they have some help. Often mom or husband, wife you know whatever stage they're at falls, breaks a hip and then has to move to the next section, because it often that's my very basic, you know, joe on the block, understanding of it, that then it kicks it up to the next level instead of just dealing with it, knowing it, and sometimes we know that it's going to rapidly progress, sometimes we know that it's going to slowly progress. So, instead of instead of I mean imagine being so.

Speaker 2:

The average age of going into a senior community is 84 or around there, and imagine being 84 and having to move over and over again. How awful you've now oh no, I don't want to do this at all. Finally you're in a senior living community in some shape or form assisted or or you know, with, with, maybe even independent and now you started to meet people. Oh no, it's six months later. Now you've got to move again. And now you, you know cause maybe you've broken a hip or something and now we knew that you had memory care issues in the first place. Now you've progressed down a little bit and you knew it too, and you know we're scared of it. Oh, now you've got to move again down a little bit, and you knew it too and you know were scared of it. Oh, now you've got to move again. I'm guessing that's what you're illustrating in that.

Speaker 3:

Oh, precisely, ro, that's exactly, that's exactly the sentiment and and exactly the experience that a lot of our seniors have, and what we want to do is to be able to give the power in their own hands to make the choice of do I want to stay in this apartment? Do I want to stay as, as those you know incidences a fall, or even sometimes people refer to behaviors of dementia, which actually I like to kind of eliminate the word behaviors and replace it with symptoms of dementia, symptoms of unmet needs, and so if there is a person who is experiencing some of those things a lot of times, that's the point where a caregiver may not have the in-depth training that they need, or the whole team in general, and so they become offended. And I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. What I'm saying is that there can be a bridge with how we appropriately and positively respond to these types of situations, so that an individual experiencing more and more of those symptoms of agitation, anxiety, aggression, that they don't all of a sudden get pushed off into a locked unit where they could actually stay in their home of recent, in their new adventure. They can stay in their apartment and they can progress in that journey and not feel like they're being ostracized by the friends that they just made friends with. They can still be integrated but also be given opportunities, with some support and some prompts, to connect with people who are of a similar cognition level, to connect with people that they can feel validated by, they can feel that they get me, they get what I'm going through. I've even had some individuals here where we kind of have segments okay, and we do that on purpose to give people the joy and the connection that they need for the level that they're at.

Speaker 3:

But there's this group of gentlemen who would say to me, when we had this woman who had lived with us for about six months and she was very in stages of her disease process but unfortunately her symptoms were exhibited in being sad and crying all day, every day, if she were awake, unless she listened to the right kind of music, and we can touch on that later. But when one of these gentlemen, or a couple of them, would say, excuse me, excuse me, why is she crying so much? And we would say, oh well, she has a disease called dementia and they would say, oh, what a horrible disease. I hope she's okay, not knowing they themselves have the disease, and that's okay. Yeah, because what we want to do as caregivers is step into their reality. We want to validate their reality. It's not my job, or any of our job, to correct, to orient or any of that to a humiliating degree. It's our job to step into their reality and validate. Oh yeah, are we in Texas right now? Yes, we are.

Speaker 3:

This is a beautiful day in Texas, because if that's where they were from, or a gentleman who would, he would always he was. He was a mayor of I won't say which island it was, but he was a mayor on this island. And we would ask him what do you do every day? And he goes oh, I get up, I put on my suit, I put on my tie and I go to the office. I put on my tie and I go to the office and I meet with people. And then I go home and I take off my suit and I put on my shorts and I go to the beach and then I go for a swim and I swim and I swim and I said you've got to teach me how to swim. Oh, you don't know how to swim, it's easy, you just go like this.

Speaker 3:

And I say oh like this, like this, am I doing it right? And he goes no, bigger, bigger, bigger like this. So, just those moments where they can have flashbacks to their own reality. That's perfect. That is where the magic and joy happens.

Speaker 2:

We've got to step into that world, but it's so funny because you're reminding me of all the mindfulness apps that are out there, of yoga when I was a kid or yoga now. What happens? You lay down, you close your eyes, you do deep breathing. Imagine you're on a wonderful beach and you can hear the waves. So we spend our lives as younger people, you know, going into that imaginary world. And yet here we are. That should teach us how to step into that imaginary world.

Speaker 2:

Going further, I want to end with both of you and I think you've seen from these ladies talking about their lives in senior living today how this isn't about rewards of money or trying to sell a community or anything like that. I'm sure there are some out there, but there's so many in this world that I've been so blessed to get to meet where it isn't about that. There are people that think, oh well, because you touched a lot, jeanette, about how you're going to help, you're going to reassess and reassess before they come in, because maybe you know it's not time for that yet. So for those people who are listening, who are the cynics who are saying you just want to make money by getting people in here, I want to turn to Deanna first. What would you say to that Deanna, of all the people you managed a community for 14 years. What would you say to people that are just thinking you just want to get them in and make money? What would you say to that?

Speaker 4:

I would say that the people that work in our community and communities like Jeanette's are there because they truly deeply care for others. They are servants in their hearts, they are servants in their industry and for people like us, it's about making meaningful connections with those that are going through these trials and tribulations so that we can have a meaningful impact on what ends up being the last years of their loved ones lives. So if we can make a heartfelt connection on that level and show them that that truly what we do is going to enhance their loved ones quality of life and their own, because a lot of them come in as caregivers and it's very stressful and they're overwhelmed and all they're looking for is someone that can sit down and say I truly understand where you're coming from and here's how we can help.

Speaker 2:

I love that and also I'm glad you just touched on that because I also learned from having a client a couple of years ago who I met with them four years ago and she wanted to list the house and her husband was just in the early stages at that point, and she called me in about a year and a half ago and said we really need to move into a community at this point because she couldn't cope. He was, he was going up and down the street, um, going into other people's mailboxes and collecting their mail and bringing it back, which is you know what a story. Really. You could be doing much worse things, right so? But she really couldn't cope.

Speaker 2:

And what had happened in the previous six months is she'd been diagnosed with heart problems. Her health was going dramatically down and I believe that's the case as a caregiver. You can get all kinds of terrible things going on. Right, you tend to go downhill because it's so stressful. You're watching your loved one, especially when it's the wife or the husband. I think. Is that commonplace, jeanette? Have you seen that a lot?

Speaker 3:

100%. Honestly, it's very stressful because they want to be everything to their spouse. They want to take care of them until death, do us part or into the eternities. They want to do everything they can and sometimes that's to their detriment as a caregiver because really, what they, what they? If they put their thoughts out on paper and they look at what do I want for my spouse, for my sweetheart, they really want them to be happy, to feel connected, to be safe and to have a little bit of purpose in every day. So when, when they get to combine those things it's it is still hard to move and to change because they're going through a separation anxiety just as much as their spouse with dementia.

Speaker 3:

I've watched husbands who have come here and I've sat with them, both of us in tears, as they just say I just miss her, I just miss her. And then I'm going to tell you one quick, very quick story about a gentleman who he was high school sweethearts with his wife. They didn't get married, they married different people. He went to visit her at the hospital and reconnected with her and then took her on a date to the nutcracker and had put this nutcracker on the seat of the passenger side of his car for her to always remember their first date, and stories like that you can just feel I mean, it envelops the whole room of how connected they are together, how much adoration they have for each other.

Speaker 3:

But the biggest thing is is that I want people to know when they're in that boat, when there is a spouse who is trying so hard and they're feeling like either they're falling short or they might not be able to do it anymore. Let's switch the language just a little bit. It's not that you can't do it anymore, it's that you're still doing it and you're giving more. You are now providing a safety net of more people, more support, more friendships, more light, and it can be better even though the disease is hard and look at mary and jerry, they went together.

Speaker 2:

Yes, in my case I'm not going to mention the name, but you, you know who you are if you're listening and you've, you're actually in the same state, but you've gone closer to the kids, um, but they went together too. So they've both, you know, and they went into, um, uh, independent living first because they could have caregivers come in, but it gave the what both in both cases the wife, you know a lot more help and they made that transition together so they don't have to go throughout separation. One, one quick thing either of you can talk to is what to say to the kids who are in their 50s, 60s or even 70s sometimes, where the next holiday they go home and they've been, you know, they might even live in a different state and they've been called back and called back because their parents have gone through some heart problem or a fall or something like that who are feeling guilty, and their parents are saying we're not going into senior living, or mom's saying I'm not going into senior living because, you know, it's one out of every eight, I believe, that go into a community is a man and the other seven are females. So it's often mom, you know mom or dad is saying I'm not going into one of those things, they're just a place you go to die.

Speaker 2:

What would you say to the kids I like to call them the kids because you know we can all be kids in our 60s and 70s, right? What would you say to them who are feeling guilty, who don't know how to navigate this if they go into a community? Will you give them some help? Or most people in your position give them some help? Do you think what to say?

Speaker 3:

absolutely, absolutely so. First of all, their, their feelings are real. It's hard to be a kid when you're trying to honor your parent and your parent's choice is screaming at you I'm not moving, I'm not going anywhere. But you also feel an obligation to take care of them because you can see the symptoms, you can see the lack of judgment or the unsafe circumstances. So in that situation I'm going to get kind of real circumstances. So in that situation I'm going to get kind of real.

Speaker 3:

They need to have either power of attorney or guardianship and gather their tribe. If there is anybody who can support them and just be a sounding board that, yes, you're doing the right thing. They need that. When their parent is yelling, I'm not moving. Now let me just fast forward a little bit. When their parent moves in I'm not saying that it's always like peaches and cream and picture perfect Sometimes people do come into our community not super happy they they come, grumpy they come.

Speaker 3:

They might even yell at their kids and blame them. But what our job is to do is to is to take that pressure off of the kids. Take that pressure off of them so that they can be a kid. They can be a child, a daughter, a son, and not the caregiver role, so that we can say well, actually that wasn't your child who made that decision, technically, it was the doctor, and the doctor just needs to check out some things. And if the doctor clears you, then that's fine, you get to go back home and what we're doing is I know that, I know that people with dementia can forget from time to time. They forget either every day, up to every minute, but what we want to do is to help them be in a safe emotional space. So if we, if we start off the story by saying yeah, your kid, put you here, first of all, don't use the word put. If you say something like that and you're never going back home, you're never going to go back home.

Speaker 2:

I'm going to invite you on to do a whole other show about this because, honestly, I think that conversation is so critical. Would you come back to us?

Speaker 3:

Oh, I would love to. That would be an honor Ro.

Speaker 2:

That would be absolutely fantastic. I have learned so much today. Guys, deanna and Jeanette, thank you so much, that was so great, and Jeanette, thank you so much, that was so great. And we're going to continue this adventure together and help people through this very important new adventure. What do you say, deanna?

Speaker 4:

Absolutely. I would say just a quick reminder that dementia doesn't remove a person's ability to appreciate and respond to experiences with their own emotional outlets anger, fear, love, sadness and being able to recognize those abilities, interests and really lifelong skills to maintain and enhance that person's quality of life is what you're going to see at Jeanette's community.

Speaker 2:

That's amazing. Thank you, Jeanette, so much.

Speaker 3:

Thank you so much, Ro and Deanna Been a pleasure today.

People on this episode

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Rowena Patton, NC, FL, DC, CA

Host
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Deanna Allen, Utah

Guest